August 8, 2021
In 2003, I married someone who was a very hard-working person whose father was a former financial employee at a large hospital in my childhood town, somewhat well-off. It wasn't the reason I married the guy back then. I married him because he was attentive to me, spend a lot of time with me, and was supportive of me through thick and thin. At the time, I was sharing my eldest daughter who is now 25 years old from my previous marriage with her biological father. It was not a breeze if I can say. It was as tough as close to what the "Joint Custody With a Jerk" book has discussed. I recommend this book. My first ex-husband would find every way to lie and play games with me, unfortunately, that includes the child. So, the guy I married in 2003, let's call him Rys, had been there for me through my tough times. Rys already knew my parents before meeting me because he met them through his father. I did not know about him until my mother brought his name. Basically, Rys knows a bit of my background.
Rys and I went out so much and enjoyed ourselves. He learned ASL to communicate with me. I worked full-time at a great corporation. He had a full-time job in the same field for over 10 years at the time. I waited a year before having his first child. Things were good. In 2005, his first child was born. Today, she's awesome and very intelligent. I caught Rys was about to do something with her when she was an infant in front of me and told him that was not acceptable. He punched the wall leaving a tire-rim-sized hole. I think he was angry at himself not understanding why he would do such a thing. He was single for so many years before me so things might be new to him at the time. He didn't do anything bad around me and the kids. I resigned from my employment in 2006 due to various reasons. In 2008, his second child was born, she has grown up and became a great artist. I returned to school in 2008 and graduated with my bachelor's degree in 2013. During that time, Rys was highly supportive of my education and my progress. I wanted to become a nurse, long story short, that didn't happen.
During the years between 2005 to 2012, I have caught Rys doing pornography behind my back a few times. It is healthy for a couple to share their struggles or ask for consent. It was not even this close. I was extremely supportive of him to seek assistance or share his struggles. I was a victim of a loved one who had a sexual addiction. He was very good at hiding his actions from me and the kids. My kids do not know to this day. I warned Rys that kids would eventually find out. Kids are smart.
From 2012 to today, I waited and waited for him to grow and mature. I encouraged him countless times. I talked to him about the benefits of counseling, reading, moving forward with his life, etc. I find myself talking to the wall. I divorced him in 2017. I earned my master's degree in 2018. I have lived on my own for a bit and we have lived and shared assets together but remained friends. We did this to support our kids' interests in horses. I have learned over the years that I am not the only lady in the world that does this - sharing asset with ex-husband, yes, my 2nd ex-husband. I am not fond of this. But, it was necessary where I had a severe mental breakdown in 2014. Rys and I try to be friends. I can tell you that it is nothing but challenging and gets better over time. I was mature enough to work things out. I thought Rys did the same. It turned out that he was hoping that he had a chance to be with me again. I made it clear to him that is exactly how he can harm himself emotionally for "hoping".
Today, I am living on my own with Rys' financial support.
Rys and I still argue about what we want to do with ourselves. I keep saying that I want him to listen to me harder. I keep saying that I want him to grow and be a bit more mature. He keeps saying that he wants me and wants to work things out between us.
I am not seeing results.
It's over. I have made an enormous effort to give Rys opportunities to take a look at himself. You cannot change stupid, matching this infamous quote: "I've discovered that you can't change people. They can change themselves." written by Jim Rohn.
I have dated and met guys since 2017 and I have seen better guys out there. I am not in a relationship with anyone right now and yet I am not rushing myself to be with someone special. It will come when it comes.
Basically, Rys struggle with acceptance. He struggles with his divorced parents of 1987. He struggles not being able to be inspired by anyone. He mentioned his experience at a local fire department was inspiring and is considering volunteering there again.
I admit that it makes me angry and sad to see him unwilling to work on himself. I mean it would be amazing if he turned around. The hard part is that I need to make a choice on what's best for me. I chose not to waste any more time with him. I force myself to keep my mouth shut otherwise I'd be wasting more time.
So, what I have learned from this experience is that if a person like me thrives to get an education, get a better job, learn great things and help kids to grow in many beautiful ways, and know the difference between best-educated choices and following family/friends beliefs they heard on uncredible websites and social media while the significant other stays square one. Move on. Yes, it is painful af, but move on, honey. You deserve better.
Ask yourself, if you find yourself grow smarter, wiser, and a bit more mature and your significant other (SO) isn't picking up the development, is this something you want to deal with? Is your SO listening to you and learn new things from you? Is your SO inspired by what you have learned?
Or are you inspired by listening to what your SO has learned? Are you inspired by your SO's progress and growth? Do you feel that you are at the same level with your SO emotionally?
I am not referring to educational level. I do strongly believe that two can be together happily if both grow together regardless of one's educational level. I do believe firmly that two can always be open to each other and be inspired by each other. I think it takes tools for better listening and communicating skills. Sometimes I find myself sitting talking with Rys and force myself to stop and think of another way to phrase things I want to say for an increased understanding from him. It usually works. I do not talk unless I have a new perspective to offer then it is up to him to embrace a new perspective and understanding. There. Another reason not to waste your time and energy.
Be with someone who can share and inspire great things with you regardless of circumstances. When someone grows within a relationship, your SO grows - this is gold. When someone grows within a relationship, your SO stays squared - this is rusted tin.
Keep learning and thriving!
Rebecca
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