Preferred Names and The Struggle of the Reproduction Issue

Preferred names have become more common and accepting. It is apparently heavily used in my daughter's group of friends and she is in her last year of middle school. I wonder if it is just a fad and/or social thing. 

I let it be for a while. My daughter has a preferred name. 

One evening, she came up to me asking me about doing a sleepover at Elliott's. I asked who is Elliott. At the same time, my mind was racing thinking that my daughter is 14 and she's a teenager and she's around hormone-filled friends. She explained that Elliott is a new friend of hers and is the preferred name of that person. I prompted her for more information. I explained and apologized to her saying that I did not mean that I am gendered-biased but I need to be sure that she was safe. She explained that she's not into boys. 

I am definitely not ready for bad news when it comes to reproduction. I trust that my children understand protection. I do realize that all of this comes from my own trauma (I personally went through an unwanted pregnancy, abused, wrongfully terminated, etc.) and I want to teach others. 

Back to the popularity of the preferred name. I thought about this for a few days. I realized that we heavily base names on gender. I feel that it has been instilled for so long and we are already hard-wired just as your first mono-language such as English

I was okay with people choosing their own identities and I have my own. I am very much straight and didn't want to change that. I am very much female and I didn't want to change that either. It is in my blood. I accept my first name. My last name was a bit struggle for a while. People love to make fun of it.

While my last name is a struggle, it helps me understand why others might change their names. Sometimes they associated it with a person in the family with that they have resentment. I find that true. 

So as for gender identity. it is acceptable that it is authentic and respectful. I am okay with name changes. I am okay with their true identity. Heck, they do not need my permission or approval. 

However, I am not okay with any potential abuse opportunity that others might see. Please know and understand that there are some people out there that are still heavily instilled with gender-based names or identities to this day. I am one of these people. Do not get me wrong. I have respect for their identity and their preferred names. 

Hear me out for a bit. I do have a valid concern - the reproduction issue. This is so new to me when it comes to reproduction and preferred name and identity. I do need a bit more education. I am relying on my last child for better awareness. 

I am far from accepting those who change or claimed gender identity and abuse it later. For example, I fear that a person claim that they are not into girls, identified themselves as part of LGBTQA+ community, and leads to one thing then another. Before a girl knows it, she finds herself in a hard situation and impregnate her. I fear that people take advantage of a friendly community like LGBTQA+ and use it as a gateway to lure for a person's own sexual gain. I have seen and heard about community abuses on different topics such as financial gain. I am a member of the Deaf community and I have seen cases where the Deaf community has been taken advantage of.  

We are animals and we have reproduction organs. Animals survive in nature and with some humans' help. Humans need society and finance to survive. 

Unfortunately, a female body is so unique and at the same time, is a real disadvantage because a female person has to deal with her reproduction organs while a male does not deal with a similar challenge/process. She will need to be super conscious of her body and what she will have to deal with. For example, having an unwanted pregnancy and then having the option to do an abortion. Or she has to deal with birth control options and remembering it. Or she has to go through 9 months of pregnancy and deal with the painful labor and delivery process. It takes an extra responsibility and a burden on a female. 

As for a male, what takes a male to be extremely conscious of what he will do and leave a female with? Some of them can be very manipulative. Some men are easily run away after seeding. Apparently, some easily can drop the responsibility after the enjoyment of sex, which impregnate a female unprotected. Some of them easily can keep on playing. 

If a female is manipulative, that is her own consequence. If a male is sincerely honest and responsible, I love them and they have my utmost respect.

Unfortunately, naive, innocent, nonmanipulative female ends up with lifetime consequences - carrying and raising an infant, opting for abortion and being scarred for life, or giving up a child for adoption - again scarred for life. I went through an unwanted pregnancy, raising a child myself. 

I am concerned that society here in America is not yet fully solidified with the option of being protected from unwanted reproduction. I am also concerned that children suffer abuse and lack of genuine attention that led them to confusion when it comes to their developmental process - identity, gender, sexuality, reproduction responsibility, etc. I personally know a 17 years old male that got a teenage girl pregnant and had a daughter last year and its 2022. The male is not even helping with the baby. It is extremely difficult to raise a child alone and unsupported in any way - physical help, financially, emotionally, and socially. I feel the agony right there.

It is still happening in today's society. With the preferred name being so popular, I fear that it easily can be abused. I think the best thing to do is share your feelings and concerns. I also think it is a good idea to fully communicate with your children about what you know, how you feel, and what you are concerned with. 

I strongly believe that your children need to know the following; 

1. You love them regardless of their identity
2. You respect their preferred name as long it is authentic (rather than taking advantage)
3. How important boundaries are - its okay to say no! 
4. They own their body and they have the right to protect their body
5. They are responsible for their own reproductive behaviors 
6. You want what's best for them
7. Their future and dignity matter
8. They are safe and fully aware of the safety
9. Have plans in mind
10. Follow their instincts closely
11. They can make a difference

I encourage you to communicate with your children about "in case of" scenarios and how important reporting is. I strongly recommend counseling if there is some kind of struggle in the family, friendship, or relationship. The most important of all, love them the way they are. 

No Grapes

No Grapes, I Say

"No grapes", I wrote in an email to KT. KT was a nice lady who I have known for a long time. 

KT organized a Deaf friends get-together at a nice multi-leveled house in central Oregon. KT also worked with other friends to arrange multiple tasks - grocery, itinerary, expenses, supplies, and so forth. I wrote "no grapes" to KT and a few other friends on an email who would be bringing groceries knowing that it will cause issues at the house she rented. I do not owe them an explanation. KT never asked me why. 

Everyone has arrived and settled in. The place was beautiful. Friends were discussing their plans. I had three kids and one of them was my eldest daughter who was about 14 or 15 years old and I expected to make her own choices. 

KT came up to me with a large clamshell of grapes. My eldest daughter was behind KT. I gave the warning look at my daughter and KT. I chose to say nothing and proceed with activities. I chose to do nothing because I didn't buy it so it didn't belong to me. My eldest daughter knows what grapes would do to her and I expected her to make good choices. We have had a conversation about this at home. I also chose not to repeat myself. I chose not to worry because I was there to enjoy myself.

We all did things - hiking, playing games, going to town and visiting different exhibits, etc. When we all were resting, we would chat, cook, play games, etc. At one point, I noticed that KT kept talking about a name I do not know. I comfortably asked KT who that was. She explained that it was a code name for someone I know. I proceeded as usual. However, in my head, I was concerned that KT and her friends do gossip. I didn't find that acceptable or mature. 

We continue to enjoy ourselves in a beautiful southwest-like environment in central Oregon. It is a place I would move to after living in Santa Fe, New Mexico for three years. One morning at the check-out, we were leaving the house as the gathering has come to an end. I noticed the Deaf guys had to do something with the downstairs toilet. In my head, I thought, KT should be the one who should be fixing the toilet. 

Thankfully, the grape was not a life-threatening allergy. It is just troublesome it would have caused. 

Today, when I think of this, KT indeed ignored my request and intentionally bought the grapes and showed me the grapes. I am not sure why she would do this. It possibly gave her something to gossip about. Or any other reason I will never know or understand. 

No grapes, I wrote. KT and a few others saw this in my email. 

If she didn't bring the grapes, those innocent Deaf guys wouldn't have to do the disgusting task. I felt bad for them. I vividly remember one of those guys was my classmate from a high school. I did have to deal with it myself at my own home so I completely get it and feel the pain.

I agree that my message shouldn't have been disregarded. 

I have always been a nice person, supportive of my friends, and respect others. However, this has changed my perspective on friendship. I know myself well. I do not immediately identify issues on the spot. I often find myself unsure. Being unsure, I tend to keep going and usually, time will tell itself. 

Nothing is wrong with that. Karma will take care of it. I wouldn't be hard on myself. If you experience friends giving you a hard time, find yourself some better friends. If you find yourself being disregarded, again, let it take care of itself. Draw some boundaries. Writing journals or gracefully forgive the person and moving on. It is the best thing you can do because you chose maturity. I believe that it is best that they are the ones who should be thinking about this.  

You deserve better. Be around people who support and listen to you. People can choose to start drama and you can choose maturity. 

When Someone Grows Within a Relationship, What Happens to Significant Other?

 August 8, 2021

In 2003, I married someone who was a very hard-working person whose father was a former financial employee at a large hospital in my childhood town, somewhat well-off. It wasn't the reason I married the guy back then. I married him because he was attentive to me, spend a lot of time with me, and was supportive of me through thick and thin. At the time, I was sharing my eldest daughter who is now 25 years old from my previous marriage with her biological father. It was not a breeze if I can say. It was as tough as close to what the "Joint Custody With a Jerk" book has discussed. I recommend this book. My first ex-husband would find every way to lie and play games with me, unfortunately, that includes the child. So, the guy I married in 2003, let's call him Rys, had been there for me through my tough times. Rys already knew my parents before meeting me because he met them through his father. I did not know about him until my mother brought his name. Basically, Rys knows a bit of my background. 

Rys and I went out so much and enjoyed ourselves. He learned ASL to communicate with me. I worked full-time at a great corporation. He had a full-time job in the same field for over 10 years at the time. I waited a year before having his first child. Things were good. In 2005, his first child was born. Today, she's awesome and very intelligent. I caught Rys was about to do something with her when she was an infant in front of me and told him that was not acceptable. He punched the wall leaving a tire-rim-sized hole. I think he was angry at himself not understanding why he would do such a thing. He was single for so many years before me so things might be new to him at the time. He didn't do anything bad around me and the kids. I resigned from my employment in 2006 due to various reasons. In 2008, his second child was born, she has grown up and became a great artist. I returned to school in 2008 and graduated with my bachelor's degree in 2013. During that time, Rys was highly supportive of my education and my progress. I wanted to become a nurse, long story short, that didn't happen. 

During the years between 2005 to 2012, I have caught Rys doing pornography behind my back a few times. It is healthy for a couple to share their struggles or ask for consent. It was not even this close. I was extremely supportive of him to seek assistance or share his struggles. I was a victim of a loved one who had a sexual addiction. He was very good at hiding his actions from me and the kids. My kids do not know to this day. I warned Rys that kids would eventually find out. Kids are smart. 

From 2012 to today, I waited and waited for him to grow and mature. I encouraged him countless times. I talked to him about the benefits of counseling, reading, moving forward with his life, etc. I find myself talking to the wall. I divorced him in 2017. I earned my master's degree in 2018. I have lived on my own for a bit and we have lived and shared assets together but remained friends. We did this to support our kids' interests in horses. I have learned over the years that I am not the only lady in the world that does this - sharing asset with ex-husband, yes, my 2nd ex-husband. I am not fond of this. But, it was necessary where I had a severe mental breakdown in 2014. Rys and I try to be friends. I can tell you that it is nothing but challenging and gets better over time. I was mature enough to work things out. I thought Rys did the same. It turned out that he was hoping that he had a chance to be with me again. I made it clear to him that is exactly how he can harm himself emotionally for "hoping". 

Today, I am living on my own with Rys' financial support. 

Rys and I still argue about what we want to do with ourselves. I keep saying that I want him to listen to me harder. I keep saying that I want him to grow and be a bit more mature. He keeps saying that he wants me and wants to work things out between us. 

I am not seeing results. 

It's over. I have made an enormous effort to give Rys opportunities to take a look at himself. You cannot change stupid, matching this infamous quote: "I've discovered that you can't change people. They can change themselves." written by Jim Rohn.

I have dated and met guys since 2017 and I have seen better guys out there. I am not in a relationship with anyone right now and yet I am not rushing myself to be with someone special. It will come when it comes. 

Basically, Rys struggle with acceptance. He struggles with his divorced parents of 1987. He struggles not being able to be inspired by anyone. He mentioned his experience at a local fire department was inspiring and is considering volunteering there again. 

I admit that it makes me angry and sad to see him unwilling to work on himself. I mean it would be amazing if he turned around. The hard part is that I need to make a choice on what's best for me. I chose not to waste any more time with him. I force myself to keep my mouth shut otherwise I'd be wasting more time. 

So, what I have learned from this experience is that if a person like me thrives to get an education, get a better job, learn great things and help kids to grow in many beautiful ways, and know the difference between best-educated choices and following family/friends beliefs they heard on uncredible websites and social media while the significant other stays square one. Move on. Yes, it is painful af, but move on, honey. You deserve better. 

Ask yourself, if you find yourself grow smarter, wiser, and a bit more mature and your significant other (SO) isn't picking up the development, is this something you want to deal with? Is your SO listening to you and learn new things from you? Is your SO inspired by what you have learned? 

Or are you inspired by listening to what your SO has learned? Are you inspired by your SO's progress and growth? Do you feel that you are at the same level with your SO emotionally? 

I am not referring to educational level. I do strongly believe that two can be together happily if both grow together regardless of one's educational level. I do believe firmly that two can always be open to each other and be inspired by each other. I think it takes tools for better listening and communicating skills. Sometimes I find myself sitting talking with Rys and force myself to stop and think of another way to phrase things I want to say for an increased understanding from him.  It usually works. I do not talk unless I have a new perspective to offer then it is up to him to embrace a new perspective and understanding. There. Another reason not to waste your time and energy. 

Be with someone who can share and inspire great things with you regardless of circumstances. When someone grows within a relationship, your SO grows - this is gold. When someone grows within a relationship, your SO stays squared - this is rusted tin. 

Keep learning and thriving! 

Rebecca